I found myself up until incredibly late again, so manic sleep wouldn't come because it had better shit to do. Obviously I began reflecting on secrets. With little real mention of confidants I must add that they are exceptionally important when a secret is just too much to keep in. To those few close people that I have confided in, know that I love and trust you dearly. I can't say enough how grateful I am to the people who truly know me and have never turned on me.
Side note I am back to thinking it may be time for something bigger.. a drastic change. Larger than 90 miles. My unhappiness has been fairly palpable lately. I just can't find a niche in this place. Let alone a heart to love.
Moving would make me miss so many people, but also allow a fresh start. Some people get angry at me when I talk about leaving. And I get it. But I have to do something. Crushing sadness seems an awful way to live.
And as I was told last night when I explained that fear was the thing stopping me from moving that I have myself many times said not to let fear control your life. And it's true I can't sit like a deer in the head lights afraid of what will happen as the truck of life comes barreling down on me. And I don't want to be stagnant. So with or without blessings I think the big move is back on!
Back to the cupcakes at hand... French toast cupcakes are all lovely and cooling on my counter. Baking on 2 hours of sleep makes for some funny mistakes. While baking I was also organizing my spice cupboards, as you know I like to multi-task, and decided to put some dehydrated onions into a spice container.. and nearly poured them into my "buttermilk". After that I poured the vanilla extract into my dry mix which needed to be sifted. So I had to take the vanilla extract coated in flour and cinnamon and put it into my sugar and applesauce bowl (I sub applesauce for oil in cakes.) So then I sifted the dry ingredients over the wet bowl and carefully stirred it. The batter had a few little bumps from the extract crew... but I was able to mostly smooth it out. They baked up to a glorious golden color and taste great. But lack of sleep made me make some silly mistakes that I would not normally make. I also had no luck finding any of my measuring spoons except for the 1/8 tsp and 1/2 TBSP... so I ended up measuring so many tiny scoops of baking soda and powder.
As to the tears I had a blip of sadness this morning.. low and behold it is gone! Happiness has returned! Huzzah! Up to my eyeballs in hot water and still cheerfully whistling along, like the Little Teapot that could.
Side note blogging is sort of cathartic!
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